she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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