it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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