Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize