Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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