I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize