I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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