3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
