they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
