I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
