The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
