why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
