I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
