How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
