if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
