I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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