Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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