Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
