Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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