Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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