No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just invented taco cereal.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize