omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize