I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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