My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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