every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
