I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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