Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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