Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
