How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
