Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
