Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
