I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize