he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
