Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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