so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
