Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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