I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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