there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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