I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
