guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
