dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
