Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
