Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
