we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
