I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
