I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
