my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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