Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
