and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
