The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
