I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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