i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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