i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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