WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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