we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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