The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
