Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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