I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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