a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
