i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
