my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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