There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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